A ‘fictional’ Not Guilty, seen here.
Mandems in wigs.
So today i had court. My Grandma had passed away during the night in November and criminally
enough upon waking for community service and checking my phone to see the bad news, i didnt
attend and went down South to be with my family. Took me a while to get the courage to bang off a
letter to Probation but regardless of the excuse they breached me and i was returned to court. By court
i mean Kingston Crown which would involve bare trains and an overnight stay in London to even
achieve, so i kicked up a fuss and was transferred to ******. My letter came and told me to turn up
on the 10th. So i turn up, not on the list, hang about, ‘oh sorry theres a mistake its the 16th’..
So professional. For the purposes of those involved locations are blanked out and details are all
fictional, and resemblance to real cases is purely coincidental.
16th January 2012
9.45 – I arrive at **** Crown for 10 am hearing. Not on the list, fuck sake, sit around till about half
10 and told im in court **. Outside court ** and anyone who has been to court will know time means
nothing and you could have 20 people all with letters saying their case is at 10am. So unusually i
decide to kill time by sitting in on all the cases, there was quite a fruity bunch of cunts so i thought
i’d take some mental notes and relay my experience for the rest of you.
10.45 – A small geezer is brought into the dock, looks a bit like a young Lee Evans. He is read his
charges – Possession and threats of using a prohibited weapon, and for the manufacture or modification
of an item to cause fear or wounding. The weapon you may ask? An electronic fly swatter, with the
end snapped off. He had threatened his missus with it in an argument and she had called the cops to
tell them he had a taser. His defence argued that snapping the end off an item purchased in a pound
shop and designed to kill flies should not warrant it becoming a prohibited weapon or anyone who
accidentally broke their electronic fly swatter should live in fear of the law.
The judge counteracted this by stating that if you were to buy a shaver and modify it to cause possible
harm through cuts or electric shock it would be classed as a threatening and prohibited weapon. He
plead NOT GUILTY and was bailed.
11.00 – A relatively pleasant looking middle aged woman was up for ABH. She had bitten a males
hand during a domestic, she didn’t make a plea as there were missing documents and was bailed on tag.
11.30 – 2 Black males on video link, 1 black male in cuffs from the cells and one black male appearing
on charges of False imprisonment, gbh and burglary. They were accused of grabbing an Asian male
and subjecting him to a 3 hour period of threats, GBH and one of the gang allegedly went to the cash
point and withdrew his money. All 4 plead NOT GUILTY and 3 were sent back to jail while one was
bailed on curfew.
12.00 – 1 male, one complete rattling bitty and one pleasant but crack-chic looking female up for affray.
The story was there was an altercation with an asian male, all off camera, then on camera they had
driven up to his market stall and attacked him, one carrying a baseball bat, but the asian had back up
and there was weapon use both sides, i was surrounded by asian males in the public dock but there
didn’t appear to be any from the other party up for the charges. The female plead NOT GUILTY and
the judge agreed with her and told her she could leave, not sure how that works but thats what
happened. The other 2 plead Not Guilty and were bailed.
12.45 – I’m up, i stand there representing myself but there is no prosecution, no one has turned up to
go against me, this is ridiculous. The judge apologises and tells me without prosecution i cannot stand,
so i am told to wait around, 2 minutes before the 1pm lunch break someone from CPS arrives to
prosecute me but we have to wait till after 2.
1-2.00 Jerk chicken, saltfish fritter, orange juice and i check out a Nychos piece while wondering
wether a grappling hook would help me get on top of a long abandoned central building i’ve always
wanted to climb, decided it wouldn’t, i’ll go back to that one at another date. Head back.
2.15 – Back in the public area, 1 male on video link, 1 male from the cells and 2 males appear in the
dock on charges of the supply of Class A. Video, phone and photographic evidence, one male pleads
guilty, the others make no please, and are bailed or sent back to jail.
2.30 – I;m up (again.) The judge doesn’t seem to take notice or make any mention to the letter
explaining my reasons for not attending. He asks me why i am representing myself when there is a
real chance my suspended sentence (for doing a Morpheus off the Matrix karate gesture at a copper)
could be activated, i tell him it’s because i want to give him a person account not have a middle man
who doesn’t know anything stand there and relay my family grievences. The judge just tells me that
i should stop making excuses and that (unbeknown to me) i have a record of coming up with shady excuses and that he is giving me 25 hours community service and if i fuck up its insta-bird.
I nod my head and fuck off home, 5 hours later.